I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize