Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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