shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
