I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
