My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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