Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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