woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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