The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
