wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
