Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
