Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
