remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
