mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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