3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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