That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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