I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
