I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
