sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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