you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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