my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
