when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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