I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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