No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Michael Bay diarrhea
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
