the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
