I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think your dad took our porno
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
