Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
