He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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