it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
