I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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