I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
