my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
