My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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