we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize