I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
