just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up under a house in Key West
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
