I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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