Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
