Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Congratulations! We have a period
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