So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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