You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
