I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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