he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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