Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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