so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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