god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
