my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
