The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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