so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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