you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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