i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
