How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
