SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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