Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
