just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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