My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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